Sobriety was both the best and worst decision I’ve ever made. I’d love to stand here and wax lyrical about how being sober made me a better life coach and yoga teacher and solved all my problems, except it didn’t and I’m not prone to toxic positivity (as you may have learned from my previous post!), I’m still pretty much the same person, except now, I love and accept myself, all the bits of me, even the not so nice bits.
Let’s start with why it was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Reasons we reach for the bottle:
- everyone else is doing it and I don’t want to be left out
(tick for me) - it feels good to be less inhibited
(tick for me too) - feeling is hard and to be avoided at all costs
(another tick for me) - stress release
- trauma management
(yip, this one too) - and myriad other reasons
The alcohol usually serves a purpose, its a way of coping with something, a situation that feels too hard to manage in its entirety. For me, it started off as a way of fitting in and loosening my inhibitions as a shy teenager. Then in 2008, after a traumatic miscarriage and fertility treatments, it became a way of grieving and avoiding the big feelings. And then, things really got out of control. I was using the alcohol in so many ways that weren’t serving my needs. I was avoiding feeling and in the end it drove me to drink even more. Taking me further and further away from myself and my family and the things that really mattered to me.
But, it also protected me from the big scary feelings that I’d spent years and years ignoring, some might say I was the master of avoidance.
So the decision to be sober, was also the decision to feel. To face the big scary feelings, to be present to the pain. It was awful.
The first year was hell. I didn’t know how to feel, how to process, how to be with the pain. And without my good friend to numb the pain, it felt like the worst decision in the world. Honestly, I look back on that year and I wonder how I made it all the way here. Feeling is not for sissies. A particular highlight was 6 months in we went on holiday to Mozambique over Christmas and New Year… you an imagine the amount of alcohol… I cried a lot over those 2 weeks. I wasn’t fun to be around. I was grumpy and I was tempted. But, I made it!
As I look back now, 6 years later I am astounded that I made it.
You see, it wasn’t my first attempt at sobriety. I’d been dipping my toe in the pool for many years. A month here, two months there, a 3 month stint convincing me that I didn’t indeed have a problem. I just liked to drink. Ah, the mind, it is a manipulative little creature.
But somehow, with the support of my therapist, hubby and friends here I am. 6 years sober.
And it is undeniably the best decision I ever made.
Reasons I love being sober:
- in a world that revolves around alcohol it feels like an act of rebellion
- I am present, maybe for the first time
- feeling is actually wonderful when you know how to to it
- I feel empowered
- I do fun things like hiking and exploring
- my creativity has exploded
- no more fuzzy mornings
- the world seems clearer and friendlier
Sobriety isn’t a cure all. It didn’t solve all my problems, in fact many of them felt harder to deal with. It didn’t make me a better person, or more productive or more successful.
What it did give me was me.
It made me authentically me. Warts and all. Some days I’m amazing and others I’m awful, just like everyone else. But, and this is a big but, everyday I am myself. I know that when I’m angry I can trust that this situation is against my integrity. When I am sad I allow myself to feel that pain, because I know its real and needs to be felt. I know who I am now, without the mask, the coping of alcohol.
So sobriety isn’t unicorns farting rainbows, but it is magnificent, it is real, it is presence, it is authenticity and it is a brave act of rebellion.
Things that helped me on my journey:
- a life coach/trained professional that understood me and my journey
- yoga/breathwork/meditation to learn to find comfort in the discomfort
- sorting out my health issues – some I was aware of and others I wasn’t
- nutrition – eating well can’t be underestimated as the body heals
- community to support you
We forget that alcohol is actually ethanol, it’s a poison that we feed the body with and so the body suffers after years of even light alcohol consumption and a massive part of my journey was healing the body and allowing myself grace to come back to equilibrium. We know that mind and body are intricately linked and we can’t heal one without the other.
There is no formula for healing, each of us knows what we need and each of us can give ourselves the grace to take our time to get there with the right attitude and support, all things are possible.
Here’s to me, to 6 years of sobriety, authenticity and feeling the feelings.
And here’s to you, wherever you are on your journey.
If you’re ready to begin your journey of discovery maybe the HomeComing programme is your first step in authentically connecting with you.
